Climbing mountains

Last night I had a dream. Somehow I knew it was significant, but couldn't quite grasp what it meant. After some reflection I think I have made sense out of it.

A little background. Six years ago my husband left me after 32 years of marriage. It was not a complete shock, as things had been hard for a few years. However, he waited until he had a replacement, before he left - now that was a shocker. I will be blogging more on this, but for now, back to the dream. Oh, a little more background - our daughter, Sweet Spirit, was 27 when this happened.

In the dream I was together with my former husband (we have been divorced four years), but I could not determine if we were really together or just getting along well after the divorce (something that is not happening in real life). Sweet Spirit was there with us and we, all three, were in the mountains together.

The mountains were very rugged and steep, but we seemed to be staying in a place that was friendly and where we had been before. There was a sense that we had had happy times there. Everything was going well when my former husband and I realized that Sweet Spirit was gathering up her things - packing. We couldn't understand why she was doing this. She seemed very eager to get away. We went to her and asked her if she was coming back. She shook her head, "no, I am not coming back". I was so distressed and crying, not knowing why she would go and say she wouldn't be back. The room she was packing up looked so cozy and comfortable with all her things scattered around I couldn't understand. That was when I woke up - feeling very sad.

At first I had trouble making sense of the dream. Sweet Spirit had been away and on her own for many years before our separation and divorce. The mountains had great meaning to us, as a little family (she is an only child and we three had always been very close) we had gone to the biggest mountain in our state every year camping. Those are very special memories.

I started thinking about children of divorce - no matter their age. When their parents split up they are forced into a new direction - whether they like it or not and whether it is a good thing for them or not. I think in my dream I was acknowledging that different/difficult path that Sweet Spirit had to take after her parents were no longer together. And Sweet Spirit was letting me know, in the dream, that she had to do it and we could not go back again. We have a different mountain to climb now.

I am happily remarried and feel so fortunate to have a new life with a wonderful man. But, there will always be a part of me that mourns for our little family and what we had together at our mountain.